this is what beautiful looks like, to me anyway.

03/28/11

there are ways to stay afloat even when you are sinking. i think i've found them all but they are all the least effective ways you could imagine. i have this horrible habit of avoiding myself and the way i truly feel, then again i guess that's all of us. some people are water. transparent, hard to hold onto to if ever at all you contain them, they seep out into the furthest of places. all the men i know are rivers and waterfalls. the most special ones are oceans that i like to drown in over and over, most often when i'm feeling lonely or defeated. i always seem to want the things i need the least. things like you or him or the other one. i don't recall the last time i was honest about anything that had to do with my heart. there are scenarios in my head that will not go away. i have nightmares about waking up alone and then i realize it's the way things are. i don't remember the last time i didn't feel so lost like this. i've learned to hide myself just enough to keep people from asking too many questions. all i ever really want is for someone to be genuienly concerned. these are the paradoxes of my life. i needed somewhere to record all the things i'm too afraid to say outloud.